I want to tell a story about something that happened to me
this week. It’s not a very flattering story but it was an important lesson to…
um, experience. The point of the lesson, and the story, is that often I still take
pride in trying to run my own life and the little money that I have is a large part
of that pride. Also, God has a way of making these things clear.
Here is the Story: in the near future I am probably going to
start raising support for the ministry that I am a part of right now. To
prepare for it I have been learning that when you ask people for money you are
really asking them to join you in being a part of what God is doing, something
that is bigger than themselves, and that is the more important part. Henri
Nouwen says though that you cannot really ask people to share their money in
this way unless you are completely free from feeling like you need the money
more than you trust God.
I have never really wanted to make a lot of money or be
rich, that's just never been a goal of mine. Two years ago I actually quit my
sufficiently paying tech job to take a job, actually jobs, that didn't pay
enough but were things I wanted to be doing. It's one thing to say that money
isn't a big deal but I learned it's another to actually make moves to let go of
even what little you have. God has been faithful though and I have always ended
up with what I needed though I can't really explain how. So in light of my life
situation I can usually say with confidence that money really isn't a big deal.
But so here's the point: this past week I was biking from
work to home as I usually do and in a moment of carelessness I hit a taxi's
side mirror and totally destroyed it. Half an hour of frustrating conversation
with the driver later, I owed a substantial (for my circumstances) amount of
money to him for breaking his mirror. The whole thing could have been worse but
it was cold, I was tired and hungry, and I was very unhappy about the
situation. All I could think about was that I had just wasted half of my
paycheck. I don’t believe in coincidence anymore but I just could not
understand why that had just happened.
About twenty minutes later while still riding home, an
impatient driver cut me off with a somewhat risky move only to stop at a red
light. It was not an wise thing to do by the driver but really it was no big
deal. I, however, flipped out at him, yelling and cursing and personally
insulting him as I passed by. He of course could only honk at me, so he did. Predictably
the whole thing left me feeling not at all better. I immediately thought about
what I had said to our College Group about cursing just days before. What I had
said is this: using four letter words is not in itself a sin, but it is a
demonstration of what is going on in our heart. Often when we curse, it shows
that we don't trust God to take care of us in our situation. I very clearly was
not trusting God to take care of me in light of the money that I now owed.
So to recap, I'm learning about how it will be important in
the next step that I am taking to be totally confident in God and not be
attached to the money I will be asking for.
Then I unexpectedly owe money that I can't really afford because of a
moment of foolishness. THEN I demonstrate how tightly I still hold the money
that I do have by taking it out on this poor guy. I think God has a masterful
sense of timing.
The point of course, is that I often still take try to run
my own life and the money I have to build myself some security. When Jesus says
we cannot serve two masters He is right. If I am trying to give myself value by
running my own life, I am a slave to myself. If I rely on the money that I have
instead on the Promise of my Creator, I am a slave to the money. But Jesus died
to break our bondage to anything that keeps us from running to him. That’s why
I hit that guy’s mirror.
